It has been life-long mission of mine to publicly ridicule Latin people’s retarded love affair with beauty pageants. The whole concept of having young “professional” women parade in bikinis and a thin diagonal banner across their surgically-enhanced breastesses, in hopes of boosting tourism in their third-world or war-torn countries, was a concept that disturbed me. From birth. Even when I was three months old, I remember finding the spectacle tasteless and grotesque.
Much more disturbing was the outpour of tears and saliva-heavy adoration from the simple folk whenever a beauty queen would make her triumphant return back to her hometown from a Miss Universe or a Miss Mundo pageant. Remember Dayanara Torres’ return to Toa Alta, Puerto Rico, back in 1993?
You don’t?
Good.
The entire town spilled out into the streets, the mayor gave a speech and his constituents cheered, embraced, wept and shit all over themselves over the joy of having one of their own come home with a tacky crown and a lifetime supply of Payless shoes.
That was before Donald Trump got involved.
The United States, I thought, would be different. I thought that people here saw pageants for what they truly were: a spray-on-tan-big-haired-and-extremely-sequined display of soft porn that no one should ever do.
Unless you’re from Texas.
But this week, the lovely, the exquisite, Miss California endured harsh criticism, a media storm and many a flame war due to her views on gay marriage. Said statements have shocked and horrified the country.
Here, my special comment.
First of all, yes, I disagree with Miss California’s views. Even though I have, myself, been happily opposite-married for 6 years, I believe that gay people should be able to wed. Even though it is a proven fact that marriage makes you bitter.
Second of all, I do honor her grandfather’s service in World War II, and his noble fight for her and my right to publicly hate other people. I do not believe, however, that God whispered in her head during the pageant, asking her to bear witness to Him before the world. I believe God is aware that only 20 people watch those pageants live.
Thirdly, she is a beauty queen. Anything that comes out of her stark-white and overly toothy mouth is simply white noise meant to elongate the viewer’s visual recreation of her majestic beauty.
Fourth of all, and in all fairness, Miss California was asked this question by celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton… a guy who earns his daily bread by drawing jizz stains on digital paparazzi photos.
This story has so many layers.
So, it is true what people are saying. This is a new America… a more “Latin” America. One that is changing ethnically, and is, increasingly, becoming more rooted in strong, solid Hispanic values.